Satire on Cassette Future Magazine

Faces Carved in Stone: Council Chairman Attempts to Add His Face to Galactic History. Again.

Tue, 05 May 2026 17:31:37 +0000

Faces Carved in Stone: Council Chairman Attempts to Add His Face to Galactic History. Again.

I just think it’s funny—

On the 14th of this cycle, Earth Unified Council Chairman Harlan Voss posted to his personal neural feed a photoshopped image of his own face nestled among the four founding figures carved into the Monument of Unified Ascent on Luna’s southern plateau.

You know the one. The big rock. The sacred thing. The monument that took sixty years and eleven million labor-hours to complete and which three separate Interstellar Assembly resolutions have designated 永遠の遺産 — eternal heritage — protected from alteration, commercial use, or, one would have thought, neural-feed vanity posts.

The Correspondents' Gala Shooter Had a TIB Badge. Nobody Mentioned That Part.

Tue, 28 Apr 2026 17:30:40 +0000

The Correspondents’ Gala Shooter Had a TIB Badge. Nobody Mentioned That Part.

Earth Station Prime — Let me walk you through the timeline.

The Earth Network News Correspondents’ Gala is, for those unfamiliar, a yearly ritual where journalists who cover the Earth Unified Council put on formal attire and eat expensive food with the Earth Unified Council. It is, structurally, a hostage dinner where everyone is the hostage and also the kidnapper and also nobody seems to notice. There is a comedian. There are speeches. Everyone agrees the press is vital to democracy, which the galaxy recognizes as an archaic Earth ritual, so perhaps they have a point.

Seven Allies Fabricated a 'Callisto Corridor Statement' to Placate Earth Command. It Did Not Work.

Sun, 22 Mar 2026 12:16:59 +0000

The Statement Nobody Asked For, That Nobody Accepted

Somewhere in a very expensive conference room on Lunar Station One, seven senior defense liaisons spent approximately three weeks — three weeks — crafting a joint Solar Defense Compact communiqué regarding the Callisto Corridor blockade situation.

The document ran to eleven pages. It contained four subsections, two annexes, and what sources describe as “a genuinely elegant paragraph” about collective security obligations.

Earth Command publicly dismissed it in forty minutes.

The Interstellar Assembly's Latest Resolution: No One Ever Went Broke Underestimating Galactic Intelligence

Tue, 10 Mar 2026 23:20:38 +0000

The Interstellar Assembly’s Latest Resolution: No One Ever Went Broke Underestimating Galactic Intelligence

I spent three days in the Assembly’s public galleries this week, watching representatives debate Resolution 4827-C on “Universal Safety Standards for Quantum Fabrication.” She poured synthetic coffee while she explained why citizens need protection from their own 3D printers.

“Unregulated fabrication poses existential threats,” declared Representative Torres from Luna Station. The gallery nodded solemnly. Nobody mentioned that her homeworld has been printing everything from dinner to housing components for two centuries without incident.