On the Road to Armageddon

I had thought the Earth Unified Council had hit a new low point last week when the Galactic Arts Commission approved a Millennium commemorative quantum hologram featuring Council Chairman Drake leaning against his command podium with plasma cannons crossed and glowering—but that was before Defense Secretary Magnus Vex demanded 200 trillion Standard Galactic Credits from the Interstellar Assembly for what he calls “comprehensive defensive preparations.”

Wait, it gets better.

The hologram, by the way, is being minted in genuine Proxima platinum and will cost individual colonies 50,000 SGC each. Because nothing says “celebrate galactic unity” like forcing frontier settlements to buy overpriced propaganda featuring the guy who just bombed three of their neighbors.

But Secretary Vex’s budget request? That’s where the real comedy lives.

200 trillion credits. For “defense.”

I asked his office what exactly we’re defending against that requires more funding than the gross domestic product of the entire Outer Rim Coalition. The response was a 47-page document titled “Emerging Threats and Strategic Necessities” that somehow managed to mention “hostile elements” 312 times without ever specifying who these hostile elements might be.

I just think it’s funny—the same week Vex is requesting enough money to build seventeen new fleets, the Earth Council announced a “goodwill mission” to negotiate with Kepler Station about their mining rights. Goodwill missions, apparently, require six dreadnoughts and a battalion of “cultural exchange specialists” armed with plasma rifles.

Anyway.

The Defense Secretary held a press conference yesterday at the Sol System Command Center. Standing next to a holographic display of the galaxy with certain sectors highlighted in what he called “concern red,” Vex explained that the 200 trillion would go toward “ensuring the peaceful expansion of Core System values throughout known space.”

A reporter from the Independent Transmissions Network asked why peaceful expansion required antimatter torpedoes.

“Deterrence,” Vex replied, straight-faced.

“Deterrence against what?”

“Against those who would threaten our peaceful expansion.”

And nobody laughed?

The truly beautiful part is the budget breakdown. Of the 200 trillion, roughly 140 trillion goes to “next-generation defensive platforms”—which, according to leaked technical specifications, are indistinguishable from offensive platforms except for the marketing materials. Another 45 trillion is earmarked for “personnel enhancement programs,” which sounds suspiciously like hiring more soldiers. The remaining 15 trillion? “Administrative costs.”

Fifteen trillion SGC in administrative costs. To administer what, exactly? The conquest of everything?

I’m not saying it’s a grift. I’m just reading their budget aloud.

Meanwhile, three frontier colonies have gone dark this month after requesting humanitarian aid. The Earth Council’s response has been to increase their “monitoring presence” in those sectors. Monitor with what? The same defensive platforms that definitely aren’t offensive platforms?

Secretary Vex assures us that these are purely precautionary measures. “We’re simply preparing for any eventuality,” he said, while standing in front of a star chart with half the galaxy marked for “liberation.”

They said this. Then they did this. I’ll wait.