Scientists Discover ‘Totally Harmless’ Microbes on Mars

軍事予算が奇跡的に三倍に増加

The Mars Colonial Research Station announced yesterday they’ve discovered microscopic life in the planet’s subsurface ice—adorable little microbes that are “absolutely, positively no threat to human civilization whatsoever.”

Dr. Patricia Yamamoto, lead xenobiologist, emphasized during her press conference: “These organisms are completely benign. Harmless. Nothing to worry about. Just friendly neighborhood bacteria doing bacteria things.”

She said this seventeen times in a twenty-minute briefing.

Interesting timing, considering the Solar Defense Compact just approved a 340% budget increase for “Xenobiological Threat Assessment and Countermeasures.” The funding goes to three contractors: Helix BioSystems, Stellar Dynamics, and—wait for it—Dr. Yamamoto’s former employer, Titan Defense Solutions.

I just think it’s funny how discoveries of “harmless” alien life keep coinciding with massive defense spending sprees.

“We need to study these organisms extensively,” explained General Harrison Chen at yesterday’s emergency Assembly hearing. “For safety. To make sure they stay harmless.”

Wait, it gets better.

The microbes apparently reproduce by consuming methane and producing oxygen—basically the opposite of what Earth’s military-industrial complex does. But according to classified briefings leaked to ENN, defense analysts are “concerned” about potential weaponization.

“What if hostile forces reverse-engineer them?” asked Senator Kim during the budget hearings. “What if they make them… harmful?”

So we’re pre-emptively defending against hypothetically weaponized versions of definitively harmless bacteria. Makes perfect sense. I’m not saying it’s a grift—I’m just reading their budget request aloud:

• “Emergency Microbe Containment Facilities”: 2.3 billion SGC
• “Anti-Biological Defense Systems”: 4.1 billion SGC
• “Xenobiology Research Enhancement”: 1.8 billion SGC
• “Mars Quarantine Enforcement”: 3.2 billion SGC

Meanwhile, the actual Mars colony still doesn’t have proper air recyclers and is requesting 200,000 SGC for basic life support repairs.

Dr. Yamamoto’s discovery paper, by the way, describes organisms that “show remarkable potential for terraforming applications.” Funny how that part didn’t make the defense briefings.

But sure, let’s spend 11.4 billion SGC preparing for war against microscopic janitors that eat poison gas and fart oxygen.

“This is about protecting humanity’s future,” General Chen insisted.

And nobody laughed?

Anyway.

The microbes, for their part, continue being completely harmless. They’ve been doing it for roughly 50,000 years without military supervision. But I’m sure they’ll sleep better knowing the Solar Defense Compact is watching.

For their own safety, of course.