Live from the Bunker: Another Year of Lies

Broadcasting from thirty levels below what used to be the East Wing of Earth Central Command—before that unfortunate ‘structural reassessment’ last spring—I present the nominees for this cycle’s most creative relationship with truth.

The Categories

Most Creative Use of Statistics: Earth Network News takes the lead with their report claiming Outer Rim piracy was “down 47%” while conveniently measuring from the peak of the Centauri Blockade. That’s not analysis. That’s arithmetic designed to deceive.

The runner-up deserves mention: Stellar Financial’s quarterly report stating their credit exposure to failing colonies was “manageable.” Three systems defaulted the following week. Apparently their definition of ‘manageable’ differs from reality’s.

Best Supporting Fiction in a News Report: The Terran Intelligence Bureau’s leak claiming the Mars Labor strikes were “externally coordinated.” No evidence. No sources. Just convenient timing before the Assembly vote on strike regulations.

When pressed for documentation, TIB Director Chen offered this masterpiece: “The absence of evidence demonstrates how sophisticated the coordination was.”

That’s not an answer. That’s philosophy masquerading as intelligence work.

Outstanding Achievement in Contradiction: System-net’s coverage of the Titan Mining incident. Week one: “Explosion was equipment malfunction.” Week two: “Sabotage suspected.” Week three: “Investigation ongoing.” Week four: “No investigation planned.”

Four different versions of the same event. Which one is lying? All of them, apparently.

The Winner

This cycle’s grand prize goes to the Earth Unified Council’s Budget Office for their economic projections. They predicted 2.3% growth while implementing policies guaranteed to contract the economy by 8%.

When the numbers came in exactly as physics demanded—contraction, recession, credit dilution—Budget Director Torres explained: “We projected what would happen without external factors.”

External factors. Like cause and effect.

I don’t deal in intentions, Director. I deal in mathematics. Your policies destroyed wealth. Your projections ignored reality. Your explanation insults intelligence.

From the Bunker

They built this command center to survive asteroid impacts. Turns out it’s also useful for surviving the impact of truth on comfortable lies.

The awards ceremony continues next cycle. Same bunker, same contradictions, same refusal to acknowledge that A is A.

Until then—check your premises. The universe doesn’t negotiate.

Reporting from thirty levels down, this is 宗像レイナ for Cassette Future.