Defense Budget: New Mathematics Discovered

1兆が実際には5000億であることが判明

The Solar Defense Compact unveiled their 2936 budget proposal yesterday, and I have to say—I’m impressed by their creative approach to basic arithmetic.

General Patricia Voss stood at the podium with a straight face and explained that their “one trillion SGC defense package” would actually cost 500 billion. The remaining 500 billion? “Contingency funds for rapid response scenarios.”

I asked what scenarios. She said classified. I asked when they’d know. She said when they happened. I asked how we’d verify the funds were used correctly. Security escorted me out.

Wait, it gets better.

The breakdown shows 200 billion for “advanced stellar patrol vessels”—which, according to the technical specs, are identical to last year’s patrol ships with different paint jobs. The paint budget alone is 50 billion SGC.

“These aren’t just color changes,” insisted Admiral Chen Okafor. “This is adaptive chromatic defense technology.”

I just think it’s funny that adaptive chromatic defense technology looks suspiciously like standard industrial primer.

The real masterpiece is the personnel section. They’re requesting funding for 2.5 million fleet personnel while simultaneously announcing “efficiency reductions” that will cut active duty numbers to 1.8 million. When I pointed out this discrepancy, General Voss explained they were “future-proofing the budget.”

“What if we need those extra 700,000 people?”

“What if you don’t?”

“Then we keep the funding flexible.”

Flexible. That’s one word for it.

My personal favorite line item: 80 billion SGC for “interstellar communication enhancement.” The enhancement? Upgrading from our current quantum-entangled communication arrays to… quantum-entangled communication arrays with better user interfaces.

The UI improvements include larger fonts and color-coded priority systems. For 80 billion credits, every message will be slightly easier to read.

They said this. Then they submitted a 847-page technical justification document. I’ll wait.

General Voss concluded the presentation by emphasizing the budget’s “unprecedented transparency.” She’s right—it’s transparently ridiculous.

I asked if anyone else found it odd that we’re spending more on defense than the entire Outer Rim Coalition makes in gross planetary product.

“Defense costs what defense costs,” Admiral Okafor shrugged.

I’m not saying it’s a grift. I’m just reading their budget aloud. If it sounds like a grift when you hear it back, that’s between you and your accountant.

The vote is next week. I’m sure it’ll pass with flying colors—adaptive chromatic ones, naturally.

Anyway.