Broadcasting from the Ruins

And now, live from the Primary Emergency Operations Center, buried three kilometers beneath what used to be the East Wing of the Earth Unified Council headquarters, it’s the NINTH ANNUAL FAKE NEWS AWARDS!

I just think it’s funny that they’re holding this in a bunker. Again. The East Wing got “accidentally demolished” during last year’s “routine maintenance,” which definitely had nothing to do with the protest camp that had been there for six months. But hey—underground venues are very in this millennium.

Chancellor Morrison took the podium wearing what appeared to be military fatigues, which is interesting because last week he assured the Interstellar Assembly that “militarization of civilian government is a dangerous myth perpetrated by fear-mongers.”

Wait, it gets better.

“These awards celebrate our commitment to transparent governance,” he announced, while literally standing in a classified bunker that officially doesn’t exist. The irony was so thick you could mine it for rare earth elements.

This year’s winners:

Most Creative Truth Interpretation: Earth Network News, for their coverage of the “Martian Weather Incident.” They managed to report on the complete atmospheric processor failure as a “scheduled maintenance event with unexpected precipitation.” Fourteen dead, but hey—unexpected precipitation!

Best Supporting Fiction: Ceres Financial Reports, for convincing three billion people that the credit dilution was actually “economic democratization.” I’m not saying it’s a grift. I’m just reading their quarterly projections aloud.

Lifetime Achievement in Reality Avoidance: The entire Terran Intelligence Bureau, for successfully spending eight hundred billion credits on “threat assessment” while somehow missing every actual threat this decade.

The Chancellor closed with his traditional reminder that “independent media threatens social stability.” This from a man whose administration has had more leaks than a Colony Station’s life support system.

Anyway.

The real award goes to whoever convinced them this ceremony needed to be broadcast system-wide. Three hours of watching officials congratulate themselves for suppressing information about them suppressing information.

And nobody laughed?

Well, almost nobody. I caught at least six Council members checking their neural feeds during the speeches. Probably reading actual news.

They said this ceremony “honors journalistic excellence.” Then they held it in a bunker where independent journalists aren’t allowed. I’ll wait.

Next year they’re considering the moon. “Better acoustics,” apparently. Also no atmosphere to carry dissenting voices, but I’m sure that’s just a coincidence.

Maxwell out—from his own undisclosed location (the office supply closet).